Week 2 - More Than I Expected

Hello All,

This week I got more than I bargained for when I found out that my journey was not only a physically fit project but a mentally fit project too. I was diagnosed this week with depression and anxiety. Which I know is unfortunately a more and more common thing these days, so it's not such a big deal, but to me it IS a big deal because my mental health has always been something that is so important to me. I have always striven to be in my happiest, healthiest state mentally by trying to always see the positive side to things no matter what it is. So I guess I have to find the positive outline to this also.

This week I found that I was really struggling. I was turning off my alarm and sleeping for an extra half an hour. I was looking for excuses to not get up and work out. I didn't slack off too much in my healthier eating side, though, and I was still sticking with my nutritional support program, but I found that I was loosing my appetite... I was having smaller snacks throughout the day and I wasn't finishing my meals at dinner. I also had no energy in the day and was finding it really hard to keep up with the kids and let everything they did get under my skin.
I was confused. I thought that eating better and doing exercise was meant to make me feel better about myself and yet here I was feeling worse than I had ever felt. I was crying at all times in the day for no reason. I was feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I just felt empty, like I was a mouse running in the wheel but not getting anywhere. That's when I decided to pick up the phone, call my doctor and see what was really going on.

Hearing those word "It sounds like you are experiencing depression and anxiety" hit me hard. All these years I had spent trying to keep away from depression since my young adult years just came crashing down. I felt like a failure, and that opened up a whole new side of me that thought 'well, since I have depression, I don't have to try to always put on that happy face anymore.' And I admit I have stopped putting in as much effort to do all the housework as I had been because I just didn't want to feel that exhaustion anymore. I guess I felt like I wanted to let myself be sad and get it of the way so I could try and move past it. Easier said than done, I know.
I have kept on smiling out of the house, and using that 'Fake it till you make it' mantra because I don't want people to see me as weak or as someone looking for attention or a pity party, because that is the last thing I want.

What was the outcome? I was offered low dosage anti-depressants. But I have seen the side effects of those and didn't want that. And I don't really want to be putting all those chemicals into my body if I can find another way. So I took the counsellor option. I still have to book for my first appointment, so I will let you know when that happens, how I all goes. But for now I am taking it one step at a time. I am focusing on loving myself, gratitude and keeping my body in the best shape it can be. I know I can come out the other end of this, and I will. 2020 is still my goal, it is just a bit of a different goal now. But I will keep on smiling and I will be back again next week to let you know how it's all going.

Thanks again for all your support and just for being out there and listening to what I have to say... even if it doesn't make much sense now....

- A

Week One - Hard Beginnings

Hey everyone!

To be honest with you, I didn’t think I would make it to here. Ha ha. I have been getting up at 5.00am, three days in a row and doing an energetic workout before the kids get up. Then taking a rest day. But I am also been participating in the “Yoga With Adriene 30 Days of Yoga” practice called Dedicate every evening. Being completely straight with you.... my whole body hurts and I’m really tired.... but.... I am going to keep on going because I know that as soon as this becomes a habit, it won’t be as hard, and my body will get used to it.

There were two days when I fell back asleep after my alarm went off. But lucky for me I still woke up about 15-20 mins later and was still able to get my workout in before the kids woke up. Trying to get about my day while every single muscle in my body is screaming at me has also had its challenges. Especially when there has been no daycare for the New Years break and I have had both kids at home all day, everyday day... but I have somehow managed it. After my early morning exercise, I have tried to have a meal with some form of protein in it for muscle recovery, so I can only imagine how much more pain there would have been if I was not doing so.

I will admit that I haven’t been as strict in my diet as I could be, and I know that it’s something that I have to work on, so that is my goal for next week.

Anyways I am buggered and need to get some rest so I can get up at 5.00am tomorrow to keep on going.... I’ll check in with you all next week and hopefully things will be getting easier because I still have another 51 weeks to keep this up and reach my goals.

See you then...

- A

Here is the link to the 30 days of yoga in case anyone wants to start...

Yoga With Adriene

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